Early Morning Sober Raves In Williamsburg Could Not Be More Opposite Of Everything I Like

Gothamist - A drug-free rave? In the morningtime before work? New York really has changed, man. The Daily Beast has sounded their Trend Alert siren somewhere around North 11th and Wythe in Williamsburg, where once a month at 6:30 a.m., smoothie-fueled New Yorkers are participating in morning raves called Morning Gloryville. It’s a “fitness craze,” they say, some strange combo of aerobics and Burning Man and that cult no one survived in the ’70s. It all kind of looks likeWayne Coyne’s mindspace in rehab. Here’s what we know: there are hugs upon entering, attendees have been branded “citizens,” you can get fuel from “Juice Witches,” and a massage from the “Wake Up Angels.” There’s also a dancefloor, lit up not by strobes, but by sunlight… and a projector showing a sunrise. One new participant told the Brooklyn Paper, “It was a wave of really positive energy, everyone was really dancing and moving” (FYI: there’s a “dress to sweat” dress code). She continued, “I was used to raves where everyone was on drugs and alcohol. But this had an atmosphere that was so warm and loving. There was no tension or ego.” Ready to drink the Kool-Aid pressed juice? Cancel your evil corporate gym membership, change your name to Marigold, and prepare to embrace sweaty strangers. The next happening is happening on June 18th, and there’s a $20 entrance fee.

Its almost like someone sat down one day and said “How can we make the worst event possible for normal people?” And this is what they come up with. Its A) A bunch of hipsters in Brooklyn, B) waking up early in the morning to, C) be sober and healthy while D) raving to music without drugs. Tell me how it gets any worse than that? Hipsters sober healthy morning rave. 5 of my least favorite things ever. Oh and people talking about positivity. 6 least favorite things ever. Could not possibly be less appealing.

I’ll be the sleeping in, immediately going out for a drink to ease the hangover while sitting down for 8 straight hours. No exercise, no sobriety, no stupid ass drugless raving. Honestly whats the fucking point of raving if you’re not getting fucked up and hooking up? Hipsters getting stupider and stupider by the goddam second.